Director of Hallucinations

Director of Hallucinations is an oil painting developed from the Pulp and Circumstance series.

The oil painting work was begun in Oakland, CA during the beginning of the Covid-19 'shelter in place orders'. It was a gloomy time for everyone, and I was not immune to the collective malaise and found it difficult to get any work done on this painting. I decided to take 1 gram of Psilosybe Cubensis mushrooms, and while that doesn't sound like a practical means of accomplishing anything at the easel, when one is simply too depressed to work, magic mushrooms are worth a shot. When the mushrooms took effect, I was overcome with immense feelings of despair and could not continue painting. I laid down and went deep into these feelings of sadness and fear for this dreadful pandemic that was taking place.

As I lay there bemushroomed, I took deep breaths and quieted my mind - meditating while tripping. This technique of psychedelic meditation is a skill I had honed over decades of psychonautical experience. As thoughts arose, I let them go, and turned my mind inwardly with the next breath to discover what lay beneath those thoughts and feelings. I breathed deeply and continuously, allowing myself to feel the underlying emotions before surrendering them to my breath. Through this process, eventually, a new feeling arose like a phoenix from the flames. From the sorrow came joyful resolution - catharsis. I was able to return to the easel and proceeded to paint until dawn.

The following day I felt happy, inspired, and fearless despite the shadow of the pandemic all around me. This process of turning inward, accepting the pain, and releasing it through breath and focus - meditation, psychedelic meditation - was of great value. Facing such a frightening crisis as the Covid-19 Pandemic, and retaining my health - both mental and physical - required bringing my state of being to a higher "frequency of vibration" (so to speak), to a place of joy and courage. Throughout the Pandemic, I was buoyant and unafraid. I was certainly not an anti-vaxxer or anything like that, but I simply didn't let it get me down and refused to succumb to fear. I can't ascribe that courage wholly to this specific mushroom trip, nor is "Director of Hallucinations" a direct response to the Pandemic. However, it occured to me then, and is still my view, that mass hysteria was perhaps the most pervasive of all ill effects of the Covid-19 Pandemic. I chose to be the Director of my own hallucinations, to create my own reality, rather than allowing the hysterical hallucinations direct me. This painting is, like so much of my work, an artifact of that personal sovereignty.

A couple of years later, "Director of Hallucinations" was exhibited at the (now -sadly - defunct) "Uncle Morty's" Gallery in Oakland during the Summer of 2022. The show, titled, "Drop", was about psychedelics and the creative process, and I was asked to give a gallery talk on this subject. I don't recollect if I recounted the aforementioned experience, but I certainly spoke about the ritual use of psychedelics as a method of meditation, and a source of inspiration. For many years - since my adolescence - I engaged in deep psychedelic explorations. As of writing (August 2026), I no longer use psychedelic drugs. I don't find them necessary anymore - I find the creative process itself to be the mind-altering catharsis, and don't need any artificial stimulation.